One thing I have always enjoyed as a skater and long time fan
is the story behind a program. Ice dancer and choreographer Shae-Lynn Bourne
has always been great about constructing these stories, as we saw this season
with Yuzuru Hanyu's "Hope and Legacy" and Ashley Wagner's
"Exogenesis Symphony II". Both of things take a spin on VH1's
"Behind the Music" and apply it to a figure skating program.
The skaters that influenced me the most were the ones who put
their heart out on the line. Oksana Baiul excelled at this, and that's why I
keep mentioning her as one of my influences. When you see a skater really
giving everything to a performance, it makes all the difference. I had the same
reaction to Sui and Han's "Bridge of Troubled Water" program. They
were telling the story of their life on the ice. That is something I would like
to do too, but I have not been able to reach that place yet. It has a lot to do
with a combination of nerves, and a fear of putting myself out there.
Many skaters, particularly adult skaters, like to skate to
something meaningful to them. I love skating the dramatic showcases for this
reason, as I have been able to skate to songs that are meaningful to me. This
season, I plan to skate to "The Fighter" by In This Moment.
You can check out the video here:
And no, I won't be doing my makeup like that. Maria Brink is
a metal goddess, and I'm not cool enough to pull that off.
Last year, I was listening to several songs and "The Fighter" just spoke to me. It is such a dramatic and powerful song. In This Moment is one of my favorite bands, and I have been looking for a way to integrate my love of skating with my favorite music. I could break a mold and create programs that have never been done before, which sounds really exciting. I could cultivate an image for myself as the rock and roll skater, the dark angel.
Many
people wonder how I’m a metal fan and a figure skating fan, since these two
things seem contradictory. However, they are both cathartic and creative forms
of expression where you can express a lot of various emotions.
Since the
lyrics to this song are so powerful, I wanted to include them in this
link: http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-fighter-lyrics-in-this-moment.html.
In an article from Loudwire, they get into more details about the meaning behind the song. It’s about overcoming dark times and being a survivor rather than a victim. They mention that Maria Brink’s facial expressions seem to come from a deep and vulnerable place. You can check this article out here: http://loudwire.com/in-this-moment-the-fighter-music-video/.
So now,
we will get into some details about my life and its happenings over the past
year or so, and why this song and program matter so much to me.
Around March last year, I had to take a hiatus from skating for several months, mainly for financial reasons. This was something I did reluctantly, and I was not happy about it. I did think, however, that having to overcome personal struggles would tie in well with the message of "The Fighter". I would be able to bring real emotion into the program and make it more believable. This may seem like a small thing to many people, but not skating had me really down. It had become a part of who I am, and I felt incomplete without it. I felt there was nothing to make me interesting without it. I was quite depressed about the situation, feeling like I didn't have many friends either (which of course was not true). I started eating more junk food again and slacking off on exercising, and just in general becoming unmotivated about many things. There were some positive things that came out of this though. I was working hard on my leadership training at work, and I got involved in a lot of activities at my church, which ended up being rewarding and fulfilling. I also started the blog I had been wanting to write for years!
Starting my blog was great fun! I began sharing posts with my Adult Skaters group on Facebook, and found that other skaters were blogging as well. It was great to read what they were writing about, and it was much different from my writing in many cases. Around the time of starting my blog, I also expanded my social media platforms. I joined Twitter late July of last year, and have had many interesting conversations with really cool people. It is always nice to talk to someone new with common interests. It is through Twitter that I found out about the figure skating anime sensation Yuri on Ice. Normally, I am not into anime, but this one was about figure skating, and so many people were talking about it. When I was off for Christmas, I started watching it and got hooked. I binge-watched the entire season in 3 days and then wondered what the hell I was going to do with my life. I started looking for blogs on it and found a few good ones, so I ended up following the bloggers on Twitter. Turns out many Yuri on Ice fans are also huge figure skating fans! I also believe the show made me realize how critical it was for me to get back on the ice. It was about to be a new year, and things would be different! I would have that passion back in my life again that had been lacking.
Around the end of last year, and into this year, I have been reflecting a lot on my life, and trying to figure out my purpose. I have done a lot of soul searching and wrestled with some things that have bothered me and made me angry for a long time. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years now, and our marriage is not traditional in some ways, but it works for us. But people always have to throw their two cents in there. I hyphenated my last name when we got married. I've gotten a few stupid comments on that, but that never did bother me. What has bothered me more is the comments we get about if and when we are going to have children. I will try to keep this brief here, because I know I can get carried away on this. I have PCOS, and I have known for a long time that having children would be a challenge for me. We are also several states away from our family and are out in Huntsville on our own. For us, it would be a huge change to our lifestyle and we don't feel we are ready for that at this point. With us being in our mid-30s, there is a strong likelihood that kids won't happen for us. I have gotten defensive and angry over people's comments on this for years, which are sometimes from friends who think they have good intentions. We are very happy to have 4 nephews and 2 nieces now, and we love spending time with them. My sister's twin boys are the light of my world.
It was
only a few months ago that I realized the impact I have had on children and
youth. I have also helped one of the girls at the rink who was going
through a hard time emotionally, and she was thrilled to skate in our silly
ensemble to Super Mario Bros. I have led the drama group at Vacation Bible
School at church for two years now. I had a group of helpers from grades 4-8,
and one of the parents said I have made a huge impact on their daughter. These
are the things that really bring me joy. Maybe I was not meant to have my own
children because I was meant to impact the lives of many. One of my new
purposes is to be a positive role model for these young people, and to leave as
much of a positive impact as I can. Sometimes kids need an adult to talk to
that doesn't appear to be an authority figure, and I can do that. This has
helped me let go of all the anger and bitterness I have had, and focus more on
how I live my life. I'm also more careful about what kind of message I'm
putting out there. I can often be insecure about my appearance, particularly my
weight. However, I don't want my negative self talk to become something that
young and impressionable girls emulate. I want to focus more on how they can
develop as a person and achieve their goals. This new start has brought a lot
of happiness into my life.
At the beginning of January I came back to the rink. I didn't have a lesson scheduled with my coach yet, though I had told her I was planning to come back. I was just out there for a practice and to see what I could do. Our rink in Decatur is know for being warm, welcoming, and friendly. I got quite the welcome from everyone when I came back. I spent quite a while just talking to the other skaters and skate moms. It was pure bliss. I could tell that I didn't have quite all the skills I used to, but that was ok. I knew I would get everything back shortly. I also did not have the new skates I was wanting to continue, but I planned to get them later. I was just propelled to get back out there, like a calling. This year was going to be the best year ever! In many ways, the break helped with my motivation. It helped me to realize how much I love skating and why I'm out there.
I had thought this year was going to start with a bang, and that all my problems would work themselves out. Well, that didn't happen. I had yet to get my life together, and soon I found myself having to take a short break again. I ended up immersing myself with the competitions of the season and talking to some of my friends on Twitter. I also wrote a lot of things for Icy Trails in this time, so it kept my mind off of things that were troubling me. It has been wonderful getting to talk to people from all over the world about figure skating and hearing their perspectives. It helped me to realize that all these setbacks would just be temporary. The imagery I think of when I listen to "The Fighter" is one of a phoenix rising from the ashes. However, I think with any life changes, the transformation is not so quick and sweeping. It is more like the story of the donkey that fell in the well. The farmer had decided to bury the donkey because it was in there too deep. Then the donkey surprised everyone by digging through the dirt every day, until it had eventually dug itself out of the well. So remember, if life is throwing dirt at you, keep digging your way out! That's what the USFS Get Up campaign is all about.
I knew things had to change. I have such a strong desire in my heart to get things right, not just with skating but in other areas of my life. I just had a premonition that change was coming, and that it would be good. It was just hard to see through the dark forest going on in my life at the time. A few months ago, my pastor did a sermon on liminal space. This was of course more related to spiritual life, but it is something that stuck with me. Liminal space is like a threshold, between one area or realm and the next. Throughout this time, I learned and grew in many ways. I have lived in Huntsville away from my family for over 10 years. I would always have the time of my life with my family, and then it was back to my everyday, mundane life. I was so homesick and sad and I felt like my life here was one I was just drudging through. I didn't feel like I was living life to the fullest most of the time. There's a great song by Miranda Lambert called "The House that Built Me". She's a fellow Texas girl, and her lyrics in this song spoke to me. There is one part in the lyrics that would always make me cry. It said "you leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can. I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am". It would just hit me in the gut. Then one day, a breakthrough happened. It was after I had written several articles, I was getting positive feedback on them, and I was skating again. I heard the song and didn't cry. This was huge for me. I would not say that I miss my family any less, since that is certainly not the case, but I felt like I had a purpose in our life here in Huntsville again. I knew what I wanted and had a path on how to get there. It will be much easier to inspire others if I'm living a life I'm proud of.
In April, I went on a business trip that had me on a somewhat long flight from Dallas to Los Angeles. I was able to pick back up on a book I was reading by my favorite author Richard Paul Evans. This book was called "The Perfect Day". In this book, the protagonist Robert Harlan finds success as an author and loses sight of who he is and what's important to him. He ends up abandoning his family until he meets a stranger in an unexpected place. The stranger knows a lot about Robert and has him believing he is dying. With Robert's impending death soon approaching, he returns to his family in an effort to make things right. Luckily, it was all a hoax and he didn't die. The last part of the book talks about everything he did when he got his second chance at life. That got me thinking: What would I do with a second chance at life? I then continued to build my life on that. I became overwhelmed to write this post, as the lyrics to "The Fighter" speak to that second chance at life. It also gave me an opportunity to be more vulnerable and put myself out there. These are things I don't like to do, as I see it as a sign of weakness. However, I have also been inspired by some bloggers and vloggers I follow who did venture to go there. It's so important to be true to who you are.
Ultimately, I want my performance to the fighter to transcend just figure skating. While skating is very important to me, and it's a huge part of my life, there is much more to me than that. I hope that my skating to this program inspires others to overcome their struggles and setbacks the way In This Moment inspired me with this song. Its lyrics, the music, the vocals and the message all speak to me in a powerful way. It's about not giving up in the face of difficulty. I have been working on this post for a few months whenever inspiration struck. One day, my coach sent many of us a link to this video clip from "Facing the Giants":
I was in tears the whole time with this. The first person I thought of with this was my husband. He is a combat veteran and served in Iraq. Any time I am discouraged he's telling me not to quit, citing his time in the military as an example. I was just not getting it for the longest time, but sometimes you see something that finally make the light bulb go off.
In closing, I plan to give my all with this program and in all, most definitely in this program, but throughout all areas of my life as well. This is going to be a special program to me. I have done dramatic skates before. My first one was dedicated to my family, the second to my husband. this one is for me.
My coach and I have started to work on the program, and I love it! Her rendition of it is so empowering. I have added some new elements too. Now I will just need to get the choreography down so I can begin to evoke emotion into the performance. I will have videos of it after my competitions in August and September.
Other things are starting to go well in my life too. I got a promotion and we are getting it together in other areas as well! Any time I'm feeling jealous, or inadequate, I like to think about this program. If I want to be better, I need to work for it. It often won't happen as quickly as I would like, but it's better to keep going than to just quit.
For those out there who are going through tough times, don't give up! It's going to require some work sometimes, but things will get better. Thank you to all my readers. I hope you enjoyed learning more about me and my programs. I wish you all the best.
Autumn 🍁🍂
